We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
