just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Houston, we have a blender
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
