Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
