Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
