I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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