Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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