this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
