My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
