He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize