There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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