Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
