I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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