big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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