Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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