it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
