I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
