Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize