I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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