I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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