Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
