ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
