I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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