I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
