The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
