my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
