I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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