Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
