Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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