the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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