Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
