I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
