Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
