My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i think i have two assholes
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
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