my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
