He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
