I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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