My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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