Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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