At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
