Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
