i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
