I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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