Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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