So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
