Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
