Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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