She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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