There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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