My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
