I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
