I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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