Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
