Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize