Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
