I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i drank out of a bidet.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Randomize
