I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
