I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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