Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
