I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
