we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
