she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
