Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize