do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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