Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
